When I read The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis (which my wife often misnames The Horse and His Nephew), I was jealous of the Calormene civilization. Unlike our schools, where we learn how to use thesis statements, transitions, and references, they learn to tell stories. Wouldn’t that be heaven? Who actually reads essays anyways, beside teachers with their sick forms of punishment?
So, how can you trick your teacher into thinking you can write?
1. Use spell check
Email has spill chick, as dose probably every WORD program. Its free and it will catch must mistakes. Than again, if its a real word, it wont tell you.
If you actually want to improve your spelling, don’t let the computer auto-change—do it yourself.
Then again, you could just write messy to hide your spelling problems.
2. Use an intro
Think movie trailer, minus the music. Your teacher has to grade 10-100 essays at a time. Do you think they actually read every word? (We do!) But if yours has an interesting start that can save us from the monotony of editing yet another jumble of words, we will thank you for it with a higher grade.
Ask a question, use a statistic, or tell a story.
“Deep in the universe, scientists have discovered two elements necessary for life. Without such knowledge, life as we know it would cease to exist. Oxygen and carbon…”
3. Use new words
Good writing can be bad when it uses lots of small words instead of big words. That makes your teacher sad.
4. Use familiar words
Make sure you know what you are actually writing.
“My quiz was virulent” means something like “My teacher literally tried to kill me… with poison.”
Can you figure out this one? “The collocation’s involvement of a gerund necessitated thorough revision of the thesis.”
5. Read your writing aloud before your teacher sees it
Then you can catch some of the mistakes you don’t see when you skim.
Did you find mistakes in number 1 above?
You could also go to a tutor or writing center—these are normally free or cheap at school. The catch—they will not finish a paper you wrote during an all-nighter in time for the class.
6. Use one FONT for alL
Nothing shows the fact that you plagiarized like using the “wrongful appropriation,” “close imitation,” or “purloining and publication” of another author‘s “language, thoughts, ideas, or expressions,” and the representation of them as one’s own original work,[1][2]
Woops!
Also, avoid pink paper, fancy covers, and clip art unless you are legally blonde.
There you have it. Good luck fooling your teacher!
Daniel F. Bowman 